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Dear Michael -

I have an ongoing worry about trying to please my wife.

She seems to stay very 'in control' of her feelings. When we are making love she is very focused on me, eyes open always watching, and wants to make sure I have a good time, but she never just seems to relax and allow herself to be pleasured or excited about what we're doing. Any tips on how I can encourage her to allow herself to close her eyes, get into her own thoughts and feelings, and be pleased and aroused by our lovemaking in the same way that she does
for me?


Dear Anonymous -

Women are definitely the more nurturing of the sexes.  Most wives/mothers tend to be quite selfless -- always pleasing others before themselves.

Giving a woman ultimate pleasure is actually a pretty complex.  I have put together a guide of over 500 pages on the subject (called The Virtuoso Lover).

For starters, try setting a mood that is more relaxing for your wife. Put on some nice music, light the candles and you might even ask to blindfold her so she can only gather senses through the rest of her body.  When she is blindfolded, bring out various items to stroke her with -- have her guess the items.  You can use feathers, silk, ice and other items.

Reader's responses:

You many want to change the entire focus of the evening on her by making it an "event". It she is into bubble baths us that as a way to relax her, and then you wash her (don't allow her to do any of it herself), as she steps out out of the tub, dry it. Pass her robe long enough for her to get to the bed. Have the blankets and sheets already pulled down, but have a small comforter handy (one small enough for just one person). Have her lay down on her tummy so you can give her a massage. Cover her with the comforter so that if she is cold natured it helps her stay warm. Start by massaging her feet, spend at least 5 minute on each foot and and thing begin to integrate her calves into the process, keeping the leg you are not working on covered with the comforter. After you have spent a good 20-30 minutes massaging her legs and feet, cover them and then start on her back, start gently in case there are noticeable knots that may cause her discomfort if too much pressure were applied. Slowly integrate her arms into the process, working your way down to her fingers. Do each finger individually each time you move down her arms. Repeat this process 2-3 times. Wipe your hands as dry as possible of any massage oil or baby oil, and then slowly, methodically massage her head. After massaging her head for 10-15 minutes return to her upper back, moving down to the lower back, and include the buttocks. Hopefully by this time she has let go and is enjoying the relaxation of the massage. Have her turn over and repeat the above steps (remember to keep her covered if she is cold natured so that doesn't destroy the mode) and start with her toes and move upward, staying away from the vagina. Repeat her head and arms and integrate the breast. Once her nipples are firm, move the massage back into the thigh area, occasionally brushing the vagina area as a tease, and then focus on that area. Once you can comfortably fit two fingers into her vagina with ease because her natural moisture has lubricated her, in all probability she has finally submitted to letting you please her. Make it an evening all about her, you'll be ready when the time comes, because you will have gotten pleasure out of given her pleasure. Sure, its a long love making season, but it starts out as an expression of love that leads to love making. In order for her to relax and submit, she has to release the days problems and let go of her "to do" list, shut out the world for a a couple of hours and forget about all those distractions in life. Starting on a Monday you may want to start setting the mood if your goal is to do this on a Friday evening by sending her music videos from You-Tube (just one a day, don't over do it) that might include "Candle on the Water" by Helen Reddy, "I Finally Found Someone" by Barbara Streisand. Also, my wife and I had the house to ourselves a good part of Valentine's weekend and watched "French Kiss" with Kevin Kline and Meg Ryan, the night before that we had watched "The Notebook".






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